1. |
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Well, hit my head and call me "shorty"...
What just happened here?
Or is it what never happened at all?
I think it's coming clear?
Well, here I thought that from the start
I'd wormed my way into your heart but... no
If I thought you'd felt half as bad
as I find myself feelin' tonight
But you never felt that much at all
I didn't even merit a rise
Because I'm the has-been that never was
the number one thing in your life... yeah.
Well I'm just a high tech
red-neck
nervous wreck
mad as heck kinda guy.
I tried my best
but failed guess
how to impress
mid-western kinda guy.
When you gave me that special kiss
There was something special I must have missed
And now I guess I know why.
Because I'm the has-been that never was
the number one thing in your life... yeah.
(Solo... with sufficient cowbell)
Well I guess there's no hard feelings
at least not out of you.
You're feeling a whole lot of nothing
and I'm feeling a whole lot of screwed.
You got what you wanted
and then you got yourself gone.
I gave you everything I could
and you gave me a yawn.
When I held you near my heart
didn't you feel a spark?
When you tore yourself away from me?
Did I even leave a mark?
Or was I the has-been that never was
the number one thing in your life... yeah.
You said, "It meant nothing."
What you meant was, "I meant nothing."
"You meant nothing."
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2. |
A Loser Like Me
04:21
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you make your decisions
with logic and precision
you know what you want
but you're not sure why
a woman on the go
who won't take things slow
but there's one thing you should know
before you walk on by
nobody loves you like I do
nobody loves you the way that I do
I may get on your nerves like a stone in your shoe
but a loser like me believes in you
you keep up with the styles
and wear your best fake smile
you never stay in one place
quite the social butterfly
no one can touch you
no one means much to you
but maybe one of these days
I'll catch your eye
and at the end of it all
I'll catch you when you fall
when what you've held in your hands
decays into dust
I'll beat your system
but I'll be forgiven
and you'll know what it means
to have someone to trust
because nobody loves you like I do
nobody loves you the way that I do
I know where you've been
and what you've gone through
but a loser like me believes in you
and we'll sing a new song
and we'll dance all night long
and I'll bring you pretty roses
I'm almost tolerable
in small doses
and maybe that's how things were meant to be
maybe you might see the worth in me
and that dinner for one
isn't half as much fun
as you might think it should be
I know you see me most every day
I know you don't look at me that way
but somewhere between the river and the rain
there's something more to love than pain
and you might be my homecoming queen
and I could be the captain of the football team
believe it or not
sometimes what we've got
can become the best of things.
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3. |
God Bless the Goth Girl
04:53
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there's this intern in the mail room
she has black streaks in her hair
it violates office dress code
but I really don't think she cares.
she says she's into witchcraft
she giggles when someone dies
she says she doesn't mind
that I'm not her normal kind of guy
and God bless the goth girl
and all her wicked ways
scheming for the world's destruction
while she studies for her MBA
God bless the goth girl
a longtime member of our staff
as long as it doesn't screw up her career path
she sold her soul to Satan
or at least that's what she says
but she was seen in church last Sunday
I think she's messing with our heads.
she always wears six shades of black
she's always poised for her attack
but she always has a smile
for the boss
she compliments his style
and God bless the goth girl....
and when she smiles at me
I know she really means it
I just have to believe that when she
when she flashes that smile at me
oh, I know she isn't playing me
like she plays every other guy she sees.
she has a pretty bad temper
half the time I piss her off.
the last time someone had me in this position
I had to turn my head and cough.
When did my life come to this?
My friends say I'm a dumb-ass
but I insist
that one day she's going to fall in love
and it just might even be with me, so
God bless the goth girl...
she'll be mine.
she'll be mine someday.
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4. |
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when I offered you my hand
I truly meant no harm.
you can't blame a guy for trying
to get a pretty girl on his arm.
I was just one in the crowd of boys
who wanted you.
wondering if you liked the roses
that I'd bought you.
I was a fat kid in college
driving an ugly car.
not much in the way of potential
but looking towards the stars.
though others would come around
who would want you
you always danced with the one
who brought you.
and when the boys all come calling
to see if you've got the time
none of that seems to matter
when I put your hand in mine.
love isn't deserved
love is what you make it
you gave me your heart to hold
and I tried so hard not to break it.
I've let you down so many times
in ways you don't even know.
but I've never forgotten who holds my heart
even though it doesn't always show.
but you've never needed reminding
who brought you here tonight.
you never gave much thought at all
to what you've left behind.
and it's a shame that I don't deserve it.
I wish I were a more worth cause.
I wish that I had been worth it
that I was the man you thought I was.
I don't know what's real.
I don't know what's true.
But you've always danced with the one
who brought you.
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5. |
I Live with My Parents
03:40
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once upon a time, a lie
it would be something to get upset about.
once upon a time, a lie
it would be something to hang your head about.
that's the sort of thing that I used to fret about.
but I used to also think that one day I'd move out.
but I live with my parents
though I'm way out of school.
but I'm still a rebel
I break half their rules.
I live with my parents
and some say that ain't cool.
but the laundry's always empty
and the fridge is always full.
once there was a day, I could say
I'm gonna get me a real good real world life.
there was a day, I could say
I'm gonna get me a house a job and a wife.
but wish I may and wish I might
the rats have cut off my ass like the three blind mice.
but I live with my parents...
now the girls might think a little less of me
but why should I leave when the rent is free?
I'm as hap hap happy as a boy can be.
my folks finally sprung for cable tv!
I live with my parents...
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6. |
Me and Your Garden Gnome
03:51
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Me and your garden gnome
have set up shop outside your home.
And we’ve watched you come and go.
But you wouldn’t notice us
here down below.
Me and your garden gnome,
we made friends a long time ago.
And we soak up the sun
we chill out in the snow
and we’re sitting in your garden
like a murder of crows.
Neither one of us likes your new guy
and we couldn’t really tell you why.
Maybe it’s because we don’t stand as high.
Or maybe it’s because you quit noticing us
when he drives by.
So I guess it seems a little bizarre
that we poured sugar in the tank of his car.
And we set off his antitheft
and we smiled when you left
because we knew you’d only get so far.
Envy and regret are ghosts
that go together like tea and toast.
And the gnome and I debate
that should we both suffocate
which one of us you’d miss the most.
And this morning I was out of your sight
and I smashed the gnome with all my might.
And it was hard to decide
if those were tears in his eyes
because someone had left your sprinklers on all night.
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7. |
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well her eyes do smolder
when she gives the cold shoulder
a sinister smile
that I know too well
there's no telling
when this girl will start yelling
she looks like heaven
but she sounds like hell
if I'd had any sense I'da left long ago
I'd give up on women
if they didn't look so nice
just when I think I've got some self control
she flashes some skin
and I've got to think twice
she's out of her mind
but she looks out of sight
she's got a screw loose
but her body's tight
she can't say what's wrong
and that girl ain't right
but I think she'll be dancing with me tonight
yes it's true, Phil Donahue
I'm a fairly enlightened guy
I throw my coat into puddles
and all I got for my troubles
was just some mud in my eye
now I don't mean to fuss and moan
and I don't mind paying the tab
but it don't seem right
that when I call on her tonight
she'll be calling a cab
giving me the deep freeze
she's brought me to my knees
but her body is a temple
and I worship as I please
she's out of her mind...
I gave her a bouquet of roses
and she gave me a severed doll's head
she said, "you won't be getting the body tonight
so I hope you like the brains instead"
and when I picked her up at eight
I told her dad we wouldn't be home late
and he said, "son, just have her home in time to medicate"
she's out of her mind...
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8. |
The Stain
05:25
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I guess you shouldn’t wear your Sunday best
to go dancing in the rain.
And I guess there’s no sense in mending the seam
only to tear it again.
And I guess you should have changed your
method of mischief
when you returned to the scene of the crime.
I’d love to believe that you meant no harm
but it’s only an accident
the first time.
There was murder in the kiss of Judas.
There was mercy in the mark of Cain.
Sometimes, motives matter.
I forgive the scar.
I bless the stain.
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9. |
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We talked politics down at the IHOP
where the place is open all night
And up until then
we could pretend
there was nothing about each other we didn’t like
But the best foot forward now takes two steps back
The voice that had comforted is now on the attack
And the eyes that held my heart
now hold me in contempt
Is it too late to change the subject?
We talked politics down at the IHOP
And it was clear by the end of the night
we were trying
much, much too hard
to find things about each other
that we still liked
And when the hostess said,
“Come back soon,”
you turned and said,
“I really doubt I will.”
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10. |
Only if You Want to
07:28
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11. |
The Long Waltz Home
03:42
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a lovely evening is drawing to a close
kiss the one closest to you
the drinking is over and everybody knows
there's things we've got to do
let's have one last dance for old time's sake
let's tie one on one last time
let my heart sing one last time before it breaks
give me something to remember you by
I know I've tried to monopolize your time
but it's just no fun dancing alone
if it's not asking too much
if you're not in a rush
I'd love to take the long way home
and I know you've got one eye on the door
but if you'll give me a few moments more
I think you'll see
what a fine dancer I can be.
that's what this sad song is for
that's what all sad songs are for.
it's okay if you need to lean on me
I wish you'd done it before.
rest your head on my shoulder
and as the night gets colder
let my hands keep your heart warm
and when the music stops for the very last time
maybe we can find ourselves a drink
and I'll bet you'll find
those you leave behind
stay in your mind so much more than you think
and there may still be time
to open the wine
before your bridegroom calls
and I'll give fate a nod
and raise my glass up to God
and maybe He and I can laugh at it all.
and as the night reaches its final crescendo
it seems that things could be worse
I'll drink myself through the table
you two fill the cradle
and I'll go about filling the hearse.
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